Mikhail Baryshnikov (1948 - 2032)

Yesterday at the age of 88, one of the greatest dancers ever to have lived was peacefully called home to be with his Ford and Saviour, the F-150 Supercab.

It was known throughout the world that that in Baryshnikov's life, the F-150 FX4 had sport leather-trimmed front captain's chairs with flow-through console and heated front seats. What was not known was that Baryshnikov invented racism.

He was known for his dancing, and secondly by becoming the first person to call someone a c-word in space. During his expedition to the sun he used the word excessively, substituting it for all verbs and adjectives.

Barysh "the dish" also invented the popular television program So You Think You Can Dance. The program was altered from The Dish's original concept of shooting at people's feet screaming, "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE?!"

In his 50's The Dish took the acting world by storm, by creating actual storms with his weather machine. He positioned tornadoes inside Hollywood studios and hit film crews with lightning if they tried to escape. This lead to his role in Step up 3 the Streets.


Baryshnikov proved the critics wrong again in his later years and became the top bowler of his age, nationality and dance background. He reinvented the sport by filling the bowling ball full of grape juice, making it all wobbly. This gave the game a juicy quality it was previously lacking.


He was a gentleman and a lover of all things dirtbiking-on-Egyptian-ruins. Defacing artifacts became his passion as he destroyed countless antiques and valuables while high atop his wheelie steed. As he puked on the Mona Lisa at 65 mph he came up with the idea of the dance, the Tootsie Roll.

Sandra Bullock (1964 - 2088)

Sandra Bullock enjoyed a long life and career as a famous American actress before learning how to cheat death by becoming a Sith Lord.

As a young woman, Mrs. Bullock was known as the most significant breakdancer of her generation lending her dancing talents to such films as Soylent Green and the Elephant Man. After she gained notoriety as a headspinist, she begun to incorporate traditional dance moves from the Fox Trot and Charleston into her routine. Spinning on her head doing the Charleston was to become the greatest dance move of all time, until twenty minutes later some fuckface did the Electric Boogaloo while being electrocuted.

It wasn't until early 2010 that TMZ began reporting that Sandra had attended several meetings with people associated with the Dark Side of the Force. The meetings were suspected to have been about the film All About Steve, but they were all about overthrowing the Galactic Senate.

It was public knowledge that Bullock was born on Corellia and she would occasionally vacation on an unidentified Yavin moon. This turned out to be the location of a Sith Training camp. It was there that the corpses of hundreds of innocent Wookie children were found dead by her lightsaber. A crime matched only by the long term effects of Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous.

Ms. Bullock is survived by her hundreds of offspring throughout the Kashyyyk system.

Oprah Winfrey (1954 - 2028)

Oprah Winfrey passed away yesterday after a long battle with Lou Gehrig's disease - a disease that will probably get renamed.

Millions of women worldwide saw Oprah as a beacon of hope, but all Oprah ever hoped for was bacon. Her television program, Oprah, opened the doors for women throughout America but they could not walk through the doorways due to obesity.

Her wealth and power grew greater in later years eventually leading her to the title of High Priestess of the Global Voodoo Council. This position allowed her access to the human psche, which she used to obtain the souls of her viewers and the Colonel's secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices.

Mrs. Winrey widely gained fame as a television host but it was not until 2012 when she launched the reality program Oprah vs Cobra which provided her with millions in ad revenue and snake bikes. She did manage to bite a few back but they only provided 1/10,000 of the daily nutritional requirements to fuel an Oprah.

Oprah was also responsible for the Hip Hop album about her iPhone Pap test application. The iPap App Rap went "triple plat."

Oprah's tomb lies deep within the Earth's crust as to not allow her soul to escape and attach itself to a host, like in the case of Ted Danson.

Mrs. Winfrey is survived by her husbands, Toots and the Maytals.

Mayim Bialik (1975 - 2012)

Mayim Bialik was best known for her role as Blossom on the hit NBC series Beastmaster.

Bialik had been battling with Cat Scratch Fever since 2010 which she contracted from The Stray Cats who had "let the cat out of the bag" thousands of times during the 1990's.

Mayim taught competitive yoga at UCLA and was a fierce competitor and trisexual with powerful hypnotic abilities. This power allowed her to put restaurant patrons into a dizzying spell before she took a bite of their sandwich and disappeared into the shadows.

Bialik also starred in "Who's the BLOSS" with Tony Danzig where she played the character of Giant Popsicle. The program was well received at the Oscars in Togo where she took home two Togoscars.

Bialik spent her remaining days making pottery in a care facility which looked more like a bar, where they drank vodka out of the pottery.

Her best friend Six gave the eulogy at the funeral, making an exorbitant amount of puns about Bialik being "Six feet under."

In life she was "mad spunky," but in death her future remains unknown. There's a good chance she'll just lie there dead, plotting her revenge.